Updated on July 16, 2014
Well, I have been back to the Doctor again. The blood test I had done came back showing some things that are needed to be addressed and I will be going to about four Doctors to deal with what is wrong.
I have been taking 250 mcg of Synthroid for my thyroids and they said that my mind is tell my body to produce more hormones and they think that it is too much so I now have to see a Endocrinologist for that.
Then, I will be seeing a orthopedic spine surgeon for my back. Not sure what they can do about the bulging disc in my spine
I have to go to a Urologist because something is wrong with my prostate, the blood test showed them something that needs to be check out.
They also want me to be check out by a new Cardiologist for my heart.
They want me to go to a pain management doctor also.( I call them a drug dealer because that is what they do, give you drugs)
When I left my doctors office yesterday, I was told that I home-care nurse would be coming by to try and help me care for myself and I will be getting a wheel chair to help me get around.
So I have finally end up where I did not want to be, an old person.
I am trying hard to deal with all this at one time, but I can not allow depression to take hold to me. I have to stop taking my Estrace and my medroxyproesterone that I was taking for my breast, they said the risk factor was to much and it would cause more harm then good. Which is something to be depressed about, because it is taking away from what I want to be. I knew the risk when I started taking them and did not care, but now it makes a difference in how long I will live.
I sit here mostly confused, because of the Neurontin that I am taking, it does help with my pain, but it also keeps my in a state of confusion.
I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, but I am just allowing you into a world of someone that is depressed and has to deal with it everyday of my life. I find it hard to be able to see the light because of the darkness that surrounds me. It is a hard fight to stay alive when death would be so much less of this suffering I do.
I will tell you that I write because this is the only way that I can say what I need to say.
I will tell you to stay strong, fight with everything you got, never let depression control you.
Written by a confused writer,
written by Bobbie Jean, I have a dream,
Let's all make this world a better place, one step at a time.
Updated on July 13, 2014
Sometimes I find myself not able to write. I mind is so confused, not knowing what to put on paper. I am taking all my meds. , for a change, seeing if that will help me. The pain that I endure on a daily bases is hard to deal with . My doctor has put me on a nerve pill called neurontin, it helps, but sometime it takes away from what I need to do, like it gets in the way.
All I know is that if I allow it to, it can and will put me in a state of depression. I have never been a person that come deal with it because I am weak on the inside. I know that I have to show those around me that I am strong, but sometimes I to fall and need to cry a tear. The truth is that sometimes I believe that being dead would be better, but to commit suicide is wrong and if you believe in God it is a sin to do such a thing.
I believe that one can and will live forever in the hearts and minds of all they have touched, that is why I try my best to touch someone with a little kindness and respect. I don't want anyone to remember me because I was cruel to them and just hate me forever.
Have you ever felt like the walls around you are falling down? You are shut down, not knowing what to do at this point in your life. You are thinking that all is lose and you will never find your path to your journey. You are not alone, many have reached that same point in their lives. That is when you must take hold of yourself. Stop and look around try to get your focus back, tell yourself you can and will do this. There is always someone out there to talk to. I know that at that point nothing and no one else matters, but it does. I am here like many others like me that has had to deal with depression. Believe me,at 63 I have had to deal with it many times.
As a transwoman and being different keeps me in a state of depression.
My life has gotten to the point, that about all I can do now is sit in front of my computer and write or play cards. I am not able to get around much anymore. I walked yesterday around the part here where I live and it hurt so bad when I got about half way, I was moving very slow. I was not sure if I would make it back, but I did and I paid for it all day.
Just last year I was walking miles on trails and on the river walk, but now I would not make it. My health has gotten so bad that sometimes I will not even show a photos of myself, I am not proud of me right now. I can't even wear most of my clothes anymore and my shoes are much to tight because of the fluid in my feet. So I have much to be depressed about. I live on the pills that I have to take, sometimes when my depression is strong, I will not take them and that is not good, the only one that it hurts is myself. I lose then, and depression wins.
I try hard to see the good out there, to find something that has happen to improve someones life. I know that can be hard to do, because they only like to show the bad.
I am in so much pain sitting here that it is hard to write, but I must, I write for you as I am living my life to the end and it is coming soon for me. More than likely I'll be in a wheelchair soon, just to get around.
As I sit I wonder about things like God and the ever after. What will it be like? Will we really be free from all this that we deal with here on earth? I am listening to K-Love and found that it does help me to feel that love that I will get when I get there. It all sounds so Heavenly.
Sometimes I feel like my body is tried and broken, but my mind is still full of life, like it will go on forever. Like the energy will travel on to the next world.
The point of all this is to show you that you are not alone when you are feeling down and broken. You have the power to deal with it and you can and will overcome what ever it is that you may be enduring. Look into that mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful and that you are strong. You will beat this depression.
There is no one out there that can said that I have nothing to be depressed about. I have more then most, but there are those that feel that have nothing left to care about, there is always something to care about. Even if you have lost someone as I have done you can overcome.
I know I can not cruel depression, but having to deal with it every day of my life I have tried hard to learn how to deal with it.
I will leave you with these words.
Always smile and never allow anyone to see your tears, they will only take that as a sign of weakness.
I love you all and I hope that some how you can find yourself.
Written by a person that deals with depression all the day as they pass by.
I am Bobbie Jean, Yes I have a Dream
“ ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE”
A PLACE WHERE THERE IS NO HATRED AND DISCRIMINATION.
© 2014 - 2014 Living Transgender. All rights reserved
Updated on July 11, 2014
It's 4:00am here where I live and I am up watching my van to protect it from anyone cutting my tires again. I have been thinking about how to deal with such a thing, Hatred is a strong feeling that drives someone into a state of ignorance, bigotry and discrimination. It can make someone do most anything to show that hatred.
The thing that I have to do, is to not do the same thing, be a better person then what they have become. Be stronger and not feel the same way. Stay above that level of what it is to hate someone just because they have chosen to hate me. I don't really know what has caused them to hate me as they do, I have done nothing but try to be that best me I can be.
Living as I do has not been an easy task for me here in south Ga. I stand out from their norm of what I am suppose to look like. They think that I am a male so I should dress as one. I am a transgender that lives as a woman, because that is what my mind tells me I am. I am treated as a woman when I go to the Doctors and when they show me that what I deal with is the same as any woman deals with that makes it even more proof that I am a woman. So as far as I can tell I am a woman.
20 years ago my counselor told me that from what he could see, all I needed was to do the surgery and become what I really was inside of me. “A WOMAN”
I talk about depression and what it can do to someone like myself and others like me. I have had to put myself in lock down in a mental ward to to protect myself from me. I knew that I could not deal with this alone so I asked for help and did not get it. The only way I had was to admit that I had a problem dealing with what I was becoming just so I could get help here in this place I live. Here I am the outsider I do not belong here as far as they can tell. So I don't just deal with who I have become, I also have to deal with the haters out there. I have come to love the woman in me, I try hard to stand tall and proud of who I am. I have no shame about it. I live everyday for myself.
Sometimes I find it hard to even write because of the things that I have to deal with, when my doctor tells me that he has to rethink about what he can do for me, or when he tells me that there is nothing that he can do now but try to make me as comfortable as he can, to be able to deal with the pain and suffering. When he asked me if I had 6 months left to live would I want 3 months of comfort as to the full 6 month suffering, I said the 3 months. One never knows just how short life can be till they are told that they are dying, then it becomes a reality.
I try hard to show myself as being strong, not allowing my enemies to see the tears that I shield. In real life they only want to see you smile because deep down no one cares about what you are dealing with, they don't want to know, because inside of them, they have there own problems to deal with.
I have never thought of myself as being a perfect human being, but I am the best that I can be even though times get hard for me I still have to stand tall out in public. I have always though of the world as being my stage. When I walk out there it is like walking the runway and allowing all out there to see me shine and shine I do. There is nothing wrong with being different, it is not a crime unless you live in south Ga. that is. “LOL”
So I have tried to write some thing to help me through my day and maybe I have written something that might help you.
Remember that depressions can and will control you, if you let it, you most stay in control of it, be strong, you are not as alone as you may think you are. I love you and many out here will love you the same way. If you are reading this, that means you have an account here, just write a question as to what you are dealing with, I am sure that someone will try to help and support you. Because supporting people is what this is suppose to be about.
“THOUGHT FOR TODAY”
Always Remember to stand tall, and shine your brightness every time you walk in public, never let them see your tears.
Written by someone that has a dream of a better world for all of us.
Written by Bobbie Jean with a dream
“ One race called the human race”
© 2014 - 2014 Living Transgender. All rights reserved
Updated on July 2, 2014
Sitting here again in the dark, it's 4 am, waiting for a new day to come upon us, up because of the itching that has not stopped. I have started a new steroids pack that my doc. called in for me. Still taking the other pills for the itching, but it has not stopped as of yet. I think that is is spreading, now I have more on my arms and my thighs are itching as well. Last night around 11 I was having such a hard time breathing because of the pain in my abdomen, that I was thinking about going to the ER again. That was the only thing in my head. Not sure what they could do anymore, give me something for pain that would knock me out, that is about it. I have not gotten any word about my MRI yet. When I talked to the nurse, she told me that Doc. had not said anything to her about it, that was on Monday.
I can not help but wonder what and why is this all happening to me? Not a year ago I was out climbing trails and dancing, walking for miles, wearing sexy skirts and high heels, today I can hardly walk much at all and damn sure don't even feel sexy, much less like wearing high heels. It is like I am becoming what I have always feared the most. Getting old is not something I wanted to do. When they told me I would die around 60, I had excepted that because that would have been about right for me. We try to walk every other day in the park here. Maybe try two blocks, they are not large blocks, but even then I hurt so bad before I can get back to the house. It shows me that I am not the person I was just a year ago.
I really try to understand the reasons for all this that is going on with me, even though I cannot help but wonder if this is my payback. I am sure that as a human being there were times in my life that I too, said or did something to someone that hurt them and their feelings, even if they had started it, it still did not give me the right to judge them. "Two wrongs does not it make one right." There are times even the way I have chosen to live my life style has cause me to wonder. Am I paying for that, is God telling me something that I don't want to hear or maybe except? We tell ourselves that living as a woman is not a choice, but in reality is it a choice that we have chosen to make. No one has forced us to live this way. I know that myself, I have talked about living as a transgender is not a choice, because it it something that is inside of me, in my head and my body. My mind tells me that I am all woman, so am I all woman? I have tried so hard to be just that, all the woman I can be, for what? It has cost me everything that I had, my family and friends, my home and jobs. It has drained me of all my savings and it does not stop there. Today they are passing more laws to keep us out of places that we need to go to shop. Have you ever been banned form a place? I have more than once. Don't get me wrong, I have lived that life that I had longed, but at what cost?
I truly believe that part of the reason I live this way is because someone is always trying to tell me that I don't have the right to dress the way I do, screw you, I have the right to dress anyway I have chosen to as long as it does not show any kind of nudity. Wearing a dress is not wrong, it is something that men have done all along. Look back in time, around the world and even today, men still wear dresses their way.
But back to the real point of my story this morning, Is God Paying me back? Am I dealing with all this because of the life style I have chosen to live? Am I doing something wrong here? I can not help but think about all these things and wonder if there was something that I could have changed to make my life better today?
I know that I have said "I am a soldier that is fighting for the rights of anyone that cannot stand up for themselves, well even soldiers need help sometimes.
Thank you for spending some of you time with me here, It is you that I have fought for all these years. Just for your right to live.
I am Bobbie Jean with a dream.
"ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE"
Updated on July 1, 2014
Remember this is just my point of view!
I am not in anyway some perfect person that tries to live in a fake world where lying becomes part of everyday life. I can only live the life that I have chosen to live and try as hard as I may to except what will come my way, but on the other hand sometimes it is not an easy life that I have chosen for myself and it has a lot of ups and downs.
I am up this morning because my health has awaken me dealing with the pain caused from my heart. It saddens me to know that life can be cut off at any given time. It can be very stressful to know that your time is getting short.
I could sit here and tell you just how bad everything in my life is this morning, but I will not, for this is not about me, it is about you.
I know that times are rough and everything that you want out of your life might not be working for you. You try as hard as you may and still things fall apart everyday. It seems like there is no end to the depression and the suffering that you endure. It looks like you are at the very end of your rope and you could fall at any time. This is all true, but you will not fall. You will keep on going and live through all this BS that is happening around you, believe me I know.
First of all you are not as alone as you may think you are. This is a new world out here. We have something called the internet. You can get on here and someone will try to help you talk about the things that are troubling you, I know that is not always as easy as it sounds, but it is true. All you need to do is post that you are feeling down, if you have any true friends on here, someone will answer you. It doesn't matter where you post it. I am on a few sites where people will responds to you and try to help you deal with what you are going through.
There are places where you can contact someone even if you only try, you can get some help. I am here all the time, or for the most part 99% of the time. Sure, like I said, I am a long way from being able to really help someone, but sometimes all it takes is someone to chat with for a few minutes.
Sometimes when I am down, I might would post something like “ having a hard time dealing with this, no matter what the “this” is. Someone will reply. I have found that if someone can get me to laugh or even get me mad, that it helps me forget about what I was depressed about in the first place, this does not always work, but it cost nothing to try.
With this in mind I will let you move on. You are here and there is no better place for you to be. You have made it this far by taking one step at a time. Don't give up now, you are the only one that has something to lose.
I am for the most part a unimportant person just trying to get by myself, but I know that something gives me the strength to carry on. I know that my life is worth something to me.
Food for though!
Tell yourself there is no one better than you.
Tell yourself that you are beautiful everyday.
Tell yourself that depression will not win.
Thank you your time.
Written by someone that cares.
I am Bobbie Jean and I have a Dream.
“ONE RACE CALLED THE HUMAN RACE”
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