Updated on August 6, 2014
I had my Epidural injection yesterday and not feeling much better today. I really don't see where it has done much for me.
It seems like every time I have to go to a new doctor they find more wrong with me. I just got a call from the Thyroid doctor and they are going up on my synthroid meds by 25 mcg. and she is telling me that my thyroid gland is swollen.
It is like I am dying from the inside out. every thing that can go wrong is going wrong with me.
My friend does not understand that I am angry because I am dying like this. I never wanted to live to suffer my last days here on the earth. Every time I go to the doctors, they want to change my meds. I just paid for the synthroid that I have, but now they want to raise the dosage.
I was hoping to just not wake up one morning know the pain and suffering that people have to deal with before they die. You ask why is it the someone like me get's angry the way we do. I have always tried to help others when I had it to give and do what I could for them. I have fought for what was right in this world, to show people that it is wrong to judge someone for being different yet I feel that I am the one that is getting screwed here out of my life. My friend thinks that I am wrong by feeling this way. Maybe I am, but I have given my all, all my life and for what to die suffering.
Maybe if I had not gone to Vietnam and got wounded in the first place I would not be dealing with all this now, Maybe if I had not stood up for those that could not stand up for themselves I would not be dealing with all this hatred now. Maybe if I would have just lived my life for myself, I would not have had my tires cut in my front yard.
I hate living in this world I live in and wish that I had the guts to kill myself, but I don't, I am a coward and can not do it even though I have tried.
Maybe my primary care doctor should have been paying more attention when I tell here that I am not taking my meds like I should be, maybe that is a sure sign That I want to die.
I am sick of dealing with this every day, there is not end to it. The depression is over whelming at times and if I had the courage I would just fill my tub up with water and take every damn pill that they want me to take and just flow away.
I have stood in the front of my enemy having to choose life or death. I have stood in the front of a man with a gun telling me I should be killed for dressing the way I do, and told him to give it his best shoot. I have be raped because they wanted to show me that they could do it and get away with it and they did. I begged people to kill me, so that I would not live to suffer in the end the way I am having to do now. Maybe that is why I challenged people all my life.
I have stood in the front of four guys beating on their chest life monkeys showing off their muscles and telling me what they would do to me, but when I dared them to touch me, them did not have the guts to do so.
I have pushed the limits for as long as I could, now I am tired and want to just go in peace.
I can not get any rest for I now feel as though I am paying my dues. Maybe I should have just lived my life for me and not even cared about anyone else, maybe that would have been for the best.........
I write because I can
I write with my pen in hands.
I cannot be free.
Till my life is taken from me.
Depression is not an option for me anymore,
it is something that is always at my door.
I used to have a dream that all mankind could live as one. there is no way in hell that can ever be done.
I am sadden to say. I hate that I have to feel this way.
I am Miss Bobbie Jean, now only dreaming of a dream.
Updated on August 1, 2014
Well, I have seem two Doctors this week and have another one to see today. I have to take the Epidural injection next week to help the middle of my back, but the real problem is with my neck. He looked at the MRI that I had done and said that I would need surgery to fix that. We will talk more about it in two weeks after I take the shot. I have to see a urologist today something about my blood work on my prostate, not sure what is going on there. The trouble is that no one has found out what the swelling and the pain is in my abdomen. it is like no one knows what is causing it. I don't understand with all this modern day medicine and all the pictures they have taken, why can't anyone tell me what it is? It's like they can stand there and see it, feel it and still can not point it out.
It is no wonder why I feel so depressed at times. I can not help but feel that every time I go to my doctors they find more wrong with me. It is like my insides are dyeing and there is nothing anyone can do. I look around and all I see is medicine bottles all over the place, every time I go the doctors someone changes the dosage or the kind I am taking. It is hard to keep them straight. But I have nothing for the depression that I have to deal with. I am on my own there.
My friend gets mad at me because sometimes I just get tried of taking all this carp and I will not take them for a day or so. She tells me that I should take them everyday if I want them to help me, the thing is that I am tried of living like this and I want to let go. If only I had the strength to quit than I would not have to worry about any of this shit anymore. But I am weak and can not take my life, because it would be wrong in the eyes of god, so I am told.
For the most part the stress is more than I can handle at times. I am still trying to talk to the law about my tires that where cut and they still have done nothing. They have two suspects but that is about as far as they have gotten. I feel that there will be nothing done about it in the end. That is the answer all the time anyway. It will end up being my fault because of the way I have chosen to live my life. I should know better than to dress as a woman when that is the way I feel inside.
I am sitting here as I write and wait for it to be time to go. I am sure that He will want me to do more test, because that is what doctors do. They want you to get test just for them, it does not matter how many you have already taken. I have given enough blood that they should be paying me for it, but they all have their own little test they want to run.
I am a little worried about going to a new doctor, it is always hard the first time. There will be someone that will want to be rude toward me and I will just tell them if they don't want my business let me know and I will gladly move the hell on. I have learned one thing about places, if they don't want my money I can give it to someone else that will want it. If they want my respect, they have to earn it from me by respecting me as well.
Some times it is hard for me to fight this depression that takes hold of me. That is when all I want to do is lay down and try to sleep. Hiding from all that is around me. My friend is mad at me and yells a lot at me because she is angry at me for being sick all the time. I don't think that she really means to be angry, just it is hard on her having to deal with someone like me. A care takers job is not an easy one. They have to be prepared to do what ever needs to be done for the person they are caring for. Some times it takes up part of their lives as well, so it is hard for them to plan anything for themselves. She is really good to me, just angry at me. Must of the time she is the one that catches all the hell from me when things are not going right for me. I have no one else to yell at but her, so I blame everything on her.
My life has not been an easy one. I have know pain for must of it and looks like things will only get worst for me. It seems like that they could try and make you feel more comfortable before you die so that is will be easier to deal with. But then again maybe that is all they are trying to do.
I know that my time is getting short, but I also know that I don't want to hurt everyday till it comes. I need a break from all this pain.
I will leave you now with this though for the day. Depression is a problem that can not be dealt with alone. Get help from someone.
Written by a soul that needs to go home..
I am Bobbie Jean and I have a dream of a better world....
I just got back from my doctors and now I have to worry about prostate cancer. My blood count on my PSA was much to high, so I have to take more meds for two weeks then do another blood count and if it is still to high he will be looking for cancer. Like I said it seems like every time I go to a doctor there is more wrong with me. I got two new meds today......
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