Updated on October 29, 2014
Somehow it feels like all my life God has watched over me and protected me from death, yet he has allowed me to endure the suffering of a life time. Today as I sit here, I cannot help but wonder why would God want to save someone like myself? For the most part I would like to think that I have done my best to do what I would think to be right, but who am I to say what is right or wrong in Gods eyes, for only he can see that. I know that we are given a set of rules to try and live by and that is what makes us who we are in society's eyes. If we choice to stray away from those rules then we become shun from this society. I find myself today living in a world of misunderstanding and discrimination because I have chosen to stray away from what society wants me to be. I have come to live my life for myself and what I think was best for me and my health. Yes I was born as a male in the eyes of society, but never have I wanted to live that way. Even as a child in school before I stepped out into the world I knew that I was different as to the fact that I did not want to be a male. Today when I tell people that I joined the Marines to go to Vietnam just so I would be killed by an enemy I did not know, they do not understand. I knew then that I would never be accepted here as a woman in the eyes of this society that we call America. I would never be free here. Many times my life was put in Gods hands over there and never did he turn his back on me. It did not matter what I wanted, it was not what he had in mind for me. I was only 18 years old then and now I am 63 years old and as I sit here I still do not know what he wants from me.
It is easy for one to say, Yes I believe in God, but it is much harder for one to believe this is true within themselves. As I sit here now I cannot help but feel I am missing that pure love that one should have with God, I do not know him as well as one should. It does not matter how hard I try I cannot find it in my heart to know that I am here for him as he was there for me.
As I laid in my bed I was wondering what it was that I kept feeling I was missing and all I could think of was that it was God in my life. What had I done wrong as to not feel his presents in my life? Why is it as our lives get closer to an end that we feel this way, what are we afraid of that makes us want him more then any other time in our lives?
I have tried to pray about this, but praying was never one of my strong points in my life. Not that I feel like prayer is useless, it is that for the most part people only use it to help them in one way or another. Maybe I am just old fashion when it comes to praying, I think that it is something that should have been done all along not just when someone needs his hand over them to help them.
As I sit here and think of my life as it passes in front of me, I can see where for the better part of my life, that it has not been that God was not with me, it is that the so called people that make up this society of Christians that are my real enemies not God. He has never let me down and even today when I ask, what is it that he wants from me? This is what he wants from me and this is the only answer that I can find. He wants me to endure his love for me, so that in the end I have done what he has asked of me.
God did not make me prefect because he did not want me that way. He made me, me so that you would except me this way. I cannot be who I am not, even if I don't fit into your society.
Today I don't ask God to forgive me for what I have done wrong in this life, but to accept me for what I have done right in his eyes, not yours, because my life belongs to him in the end for he giveth and he shall taketh.
We were put here to learn to endure Gods love here on earth so that we can sit with him in heaven in the end.
Written by a soul wanting to be filled with Gods true love,
Written by Bobbie Jean with a hand from above.
What I write is for me, to help me deal with the depression that I deal with to endure the life that I have chosen to live and share with you here and in the world. I do not ask you to judge me, for it is not for you to do so. Only God holds that right. I may not live the life you feel that I should and yes you have the right to believe in what you choose to, as do I. May your life be full of your dreams..........I am Bobbie Jean.
Updated on October 23, 2014
Well, it has been about a week and a half since my neck surgery and it looks like things just might be getting back to some kind of normal for me.
I really believe that the worst part about something like this is dealing with the mental problems that one face's at a time like this. Sure there are a lot of heath issues and you will more then likely wish you never did it in the first place, but once you realize that you did and you can not change that then you just move on.
I was fighting with depression and it just made things worst as for as I could see. I allowed myself to free myself from the pressure and only excepted the fact there was nothing I could do and everything else just kind of fell into place.
I try to write about what I feel and allow people to enter-act in my life to help me deal with things like depression and by doing so it gives me a sense of helpfulness. It allows me to give something back to those that give to me.
Things like depression can and will take everything from you if you allow it to. It does not care who you are and what you think. It is strong and only gets stronger if you allow your fears to feed it, that is what it lives on, the fear of the unknown is the worst there is. When we don't know the answers, it makes us weak and unsure of ourselves.
I have found that for the pass few days I have looked at my life different and maybe I can makes some changes that would help me in the future.
When something like surgery slows you down you will have a chance to see things more closely then before and you now become award of what you enjoy most in life. Things like walking my dog, he is my friend and before I had the surgery I complained about walking him, now I wish I could walk him and in the future I will not complain about it anymore.
For the first time today I was able to walk down to the mail box, it felt good just to be able to do something like that, it did not matter if there was any mail or not, it is just about the walk....
I am not any one special or anyone that has a lot to give, All I have is me.
I can only offer you my thoughts and my prayers, Allow you to share your suffering and let me try to carry your burden.
I talk of depression because I deal with depression everyday. It is not something that you can see, it is not something that everyone can deal with. I do not confess to know all the answers, but I know that god gives me the power to write and that is what I do best, I write. If I were an Angel, I would fly down and take you to the heavens, but I am only a writer so I can only use my pen as a sword and fight that fear of the unknown for you. Maybe the words that I write can help you to deal with depression and allow you to move forward in your life.
Remember to always show strength because people look for your weakness and will use that against you to hurt you. Never allow them to see the tears, for they come from your fears. Depression is in no way any sign of weakness, it is a sign of someone showing their strength to fight the unknown.........
I am Bobby Jean and I have a dream.....
Updated on October 14, 2014
I am sitting here most of the time dealing with so much that I am taking some meds. to clam me down and allow me to try and relax, but at the same time they make me feel confused, dizzy, and weak all the time, not wanting to do anything. Now on top of that they are wanting to add an antidepressant pill. They say that the depression may be causing the swelling in my abdomen, right, because my body can't deal with everything that is wrong with it. Just more BS as for as I can tell, they don't have a clue as to what is wrong.
There are many times when I have though of just trying to end my life. It would be easy to just get myself all dressed up and lay in my bed and take all my pills at one time. As I lay there my thoughts would be of what I am leaving behind. I am sure that someone would miss me and maybe someone would blame themselves about my death, yet maybe no one would even care, I am not sure how that would turn out.
Death is only one way to try and deal with depression, but it is also the wrong way, in the end you are the loser there. When I feel like that, I sit and try to deal with what has caused me to feel that way, what has brought me to that point in my life?
Sometimes I sit and write, but I am one of the lucky ones, because not everyone can do that. I am sure that many of you are not sure what to do. Well the best way is to say what is on your mind and it does not matter where you say it, someone will see it and hopefully try to help.
I have said before that I am not some kind of counselor and I do not clam to know everything there is to know about depression but I deal with it everyday of my life.
Just like right now. I am sitting here thinking about my surgery for tomorrow. In less than 24 hours I will be put to sleep and someone will take a knife and cut into my throat to work on my spine. If you think that I am not afraid, you are wrong, yes I am. It does not matter how bad I want to die, I just don't want to suffer when I do.
I truly believe that I get my strength from my friends that support me in what I do. I know then that I am not alone and someone does care about me. To get a response is an honor and brings me hope.
I fight this battle alone as I sit here everyday, I speak to no counselor or anyone to help me with my depression. It is an endless battle for some of us, never seeing the light of day. That is why sometimes we believe that death would be better than life itself.
I was talking to this nurse in pre-op yesterday and the more we talked about my heath history the more I realized just how many times God has saved my life to make it to this point. She even ask me just how many of my 9 lives do I have left, like a cat with their 9 lives I have lived many of mine.
I cannot tell you that you will overcome your depression, but I can tell you that there is help out there for you. Never be afraid to ask for help, sometimes it is the only way.
This is my advice to you, live your life for yourself first. Always be true about who and what you are. People will only trust you if you can trust in yourself. I am a Transgender living in a straight world where I am hated for just being myself, yet I have endured this life because I have always believed in myself. This is my life and only God can judge me in the end, and I really want to meet him.
Yes, I fight depression daily and I will win in the end as will you.
My name is Miss Bobbie Jean and I have a dream........
Updated on October 14, 2014
Feeling so drained of all my energy from having two surgery's back to back like that it was a lot to handle at one time. The pain meds have wore off and I am feeling sick and hurt all over. feeling some what on the depressed side trying to coop with all this is much to much for one person to have to deal with. I had to sign the papers for my neck surgery this morning it was a big choice that had to be made. Just the though of someone cutting into my neck and working on my spine is enough to scare the hell out of anyone.
Oh wait maybe I am being selfish here, because now I am only thinking of myself, Let me not do that, because it is not right for me to do so. I still have to cook and walk the dog, get the trash can in off the road walk down and check the mail, and after I try to eat something, I am expected to clean up the kitchen, so I really don't have time to take the care of myself that I need right now, because I am needed to do these other things for someone else., but that it what depression is all about, even though you are dealing with it life still as to move forward, you cannot just give up and stop.
For the next 5 days I will have to deal with the though of my surgery coming up on the 15 th. What will happen tho this house when I am down and cannot do these things?
Just moving on now.
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